When it seems humanly impossible to do more in a difficult situation, surrender yourself to the inner silence and thereafter wait for a sign of obvious guidance or for a renewal of inner strength.
Paul Brunton
Meditations for People in Crisis
The quote above was mailed to my inbox this morning. Maybe one of my mass quantity of readers probably understands the significance of the words in my life right now. I have been meaning to post about this for a while but I just don’t really have the words to explain just how heavy my heart is.
It all started last spring. Princess started having some stomach pain. More than stomach I guess it was aimed in the ovary area. I pretty much wrote it off for the most part. I chalked it up to puberty, stress, normal teenage girl stuff. The pain persisted, however, got pretty bad at one point. I finally took her into the doctor in about October. Our primary care physician found what ended up being an ovarian cyst on her right ovary. Princess when into surgery in the middle of January, pain still intense and persistent, only to find out that the cyst has resolved itself. What was causing the pain?
Fast forward to today. Princess didn’t want to go to school. Never mind the fact that she missed three weeks of school from this supposed ovarian pain. Never mind the fact that her third quarter grades include two F’s and two D’s. Never mind that after taking her to 4 more doctors there is nothing physically wrong with her. I sent her to school. Enough is enough. I am taking back my life. I am tired of my 15 year old daughter running my household. “Should I just die? Would that make everything easier?” was the text I got this morning once I got to work. No more walking on egg shells. I am taking her to a shrink, yes, but I am also going to instill consequences for being whiny. Consequences for throwing a fit when she doesn’t get her way. How old is she, 6? When she was that age and acted this way I spanked her.
I do see a pattern though. Her step-father and I split up in February of 2006. I started seeing my current boyfriend in March of 2007 and that’s when all this started. She swears up and down to me and to her doctors that she likes him. Is she lying? All she’ll tell me is that I care more about him and pay more attention to him. Sure, we’re still in the ‘honeymoon phase’ of our relationship but cut me some slack huh? I am finally in a relationship I am happy in. Trust me when I tell you it’s been almost 8 years since I could say that. Sure, all my attention was aimed toward Princess and Little Mommy for all those years. Sure, now that I am seriously involved with someone my attention is divided. Welcome to the real world where everything isn’t sunshine and rainbows. Where sometimes we don’t get everything we want handed to us on a silver platter. Where mommy, who is an adult with adult needs and desires, will look to get those needs and desires filled by another adult. “But I don’t like when you sit on the couch with him and put your hand on his leg, it makes me uncomfortable” but it’s okay when her boyfriend comes over and sits on the couch with her, under a blanket, and makes out with me, Boyfriend and Little Mommy around. Please. Just. Get. Over. It. Already.
Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seatbelts. Mommy is tired and is fast approaching her wits end. Please note that your seat can be used as a flotation device.
